Push Me, Pullman

This week marked the beginning of the Major League Baseball Playoffs. After last years embarrassing display, I’ve been thoroughly enjoying the beating the Cardinals have been bestowing upon the Padres while trying to optimistically overlook the failures of their bullpen. It seems they always play better with a smaller lead or the bases loaded. While this may make for a more exciting game it certainly gives me something of a pain in the gulliver. But it appears they are on the road to redemption, thus baseball weighing heavily on my mind, which led to this weeks entry, an essay on if I was the commissioner of baseball.

First on my agenda as commissioner would be rewarding every player found guilty of steroid use with a permanent suspension from baseball and removal from the record books. If Pete Rose gets it for gambling, something that in my opinion had no significant damaging effects to the game, why not those who are cheating for their own personal gain; voiding the prestige of official records and awards? I’ll tell you why. Money-money-money-mon-EY, MONEY! Breaking records is good for baseball. During the most recent race to beat the home run record media coverage and exposure for the at one time forgotten American past time increased; which increased attendance; increasing the flow of revenue; ultimately increasing baseball’s higher ups apathy towards the real issue. If the positives out weigh the negatives then make steroids mandatory and let’s start a new league called Major League Baseball Xtreme and preserve the honest achievements of players before they were all muscle bound vein popping super humans.

Second on my to do list would be busting a cap in salaries. In 1994 the difference between the highest and lowest total payroll was 38 million. Last year the difference was around 180 million. Topping the list and coming as no surprise, the evil empire, the Yankees. Second on that list the Boston Red Sox. Proving you can’t buy a pennant, but it certainly makes a difference. Of course I expect this to lead to a player strike proving the player mantra BS “I live for this” is just that. Eventually, seeing that I’m willing to sacrifice a few seasons in order to save the game and bring balance to the league, some players will come back and the other pampered millionaires will be replaced by the next generation of greats who realize being paid only a million a year to play a game is an amazing privilege.

My last major change and possibly the one that would be met with the most resistance would be sensor assisted umpires. I’m tired of inconsistent strike zones and bad calls. This missed calls is a part of baseball line we’ve been fed for years was a means to justify the fallibility of the officials and the limitations of the time. We live in a hi-tech era where it would be reasonable to expect a perfectly called game with the assistance of electronic sensors. I propose we put sensors on the balls, bats, bases, players and field. These wouldn’t replace the umpires all together but assist them. Each ump would be fitted with an in ear monitor dictating to them the correct call.

I’ve got other gripes, like why the hell is baseball the only sport with non identical playing fields? The green eyed monster is an atrocity. This isn’t putt-putt golf. So why can you build absurdly abnormal playing fields? And we need a buffer zone between the playing field and the fans. When individuals not playing the game can effect it’s outcome, I’d say we have a problem. Let’s take a cue from hockey and put up barriers preventing outside interference. I know, I know, I’d be the least popular baseball commissioner ever among naturalist. But naturalists, your game is in trouble.